November 20, 2014
I’ve got 60 today. Another landmark for me and my sobriety. It feels great. I know today I will go to a meeting and I will get my next chip. It’s nutty that something so tiny means so much to me.
Has it been great every day? Have I felt a lasting sense of peace and serenity throughout my days? Absolutely not. A definitive no. To be completely honest the last thirty days have been a nightmare. My first thirty were manageable. There was a newness that comes with change that allowed a small reprieve from the feeling.
Then reality hit. For years I was numb, pickled with alcohol. All my demons, my insecurities and fears were drowned out by alcohol. Today, I do not have the privilege of having a drink when I get stressed or feel overwhelmed. I am an alcoholic. I have never had one drink in my life.
The result, a flood, a monsoon, a blizzard of me, right there for me to see. Man it sucks sometimes. I have never felt so much. I am raw. Raw with the pain of the past 32 years that I have been avoiding facing. That’s exactly what it is is, PAIN. I feel exposed, vulnerable,and accountable for my actions. It’s fucking terrifying. It’s so much to process and experience.
Today I am 100% responsible for my life, my actions, and my relationships. I haven’t been handling the responsibility well. There are so many years of really twisted thinking ingrained in me that I am having a hard time separating reality from the version of life my mind has had me believing. I have been argumentative and selfish.
Now that I know selfishness is a character defect of mine, I am having difficulty
knowing when I am being selfish and when I am fighting for something that I think I really deserve. I kind of feel like my being an alcoholic makes me the losing end of any argument. I am so confused.
When you don’t know you’re self worth how are you supposed to understand what
is worth standing up for yourself for? And what is pure ego and should be dismissed?
I do not know how to communicate properly. I never learned that skill and feel like a toddler trying a on language for the first time.
I do not know who I am.
I exist today in a contradicting energy of feeling like I have done wrong in the past, wanting to do right in the future and not knowing how to make that bridge in the present.
One day at a time right? I am working step 1 now, hopefully as I continue the steps more clarity will be available to me. For me, for today, God, grant me the serenity to accept, the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.