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This could be why I don't say "I love you."

In the early hours of the day,
Against the backdrop of the tea kettle whistling, and dishes clanking, and blow driers blowing,

In the hustle and bustle of it all as we brush by each other,

Armed in bags and packed lunches and ambitions for the day,

I think I don't have time.

Or maybe it feels a little too soft for the brashness of morning.

This could be why I don't say "I love you."

It could be because,
When we talk on the phone,
We exchange those day to day details-

"Dinner is at 7"

"Dogs have been fed"

"Will you put my clothes in the dryer?"

Love doesn't belong in the cataclysms of errands and information exchange,

Does it?
This could be why I don't say "I love you."

Or perhaps when you're stressed out,

Beaten, broken, fed up with your un-fortuitous relationship with money or men, or whatever,

I think it would be condescending or even trite to comfort you.

After all, you're the parent, right?
This could be why I don't say "I love you."

I remember a time when affection came easily.

I felt at home in your arms,
Knew your scent,

Never had anywhere else to be.

But one day I was too old for that,
At least that's what I thought.
This could be why I don't say "I love you."

Because erroneous characters-

"XOXO"

Cheap platitudes-

"Love ya!"

And social media-

Hashtag-love-my-mom,

Have become easier, simpler expressions of my feelings.
This could be why I don't say "I love you."

It could be because I've overused the word with every man that made me feel something,

That I don't know what it means anymore.

Saying the words doesn't mean anything anyway, right?
This could be why I don't say "I love you."

Sometimes, I think it's because I felt threatened by the men you brought into our lives.

You said I was Number One, but I always competed for attention,
And it was never a fair game.
This could be why I don't say "I love you."

I think that even in all my attempts to let bygones be bygones,

I still blame you for not protecting me.
I'm still waiting for you to rescue me-
From what? I'm not sure anymore.
This could be why I don't say "I love you."

And yet, I am an adult,
And the words still carry the weight of the past.
I've made your same mistakes-

I didn't protect me either.

After all of the abuse I put myself through,
You were finally the mother I wanted and needed,
But I rejected you.
I think you are afraid to say it to me too.
This could be why I don't say "I love you."

Most of all,

I believe it is because I'm afraid of what love is.

Will it overwhelm me?
Take advantage of me?

Deceive me?
Hurt me?

Will I lose control?

Lose myself?

Because this is what I've learned of love.
This could be why I don't say "I love you."