The Vicious Cycle
Posted by Kevin Repass on 5th Oct 2018
Addiction and alcoholism really is a vicious cycle. I thought I would never learn or escape from the perpetual lie I was living. I constantly found history repeating itself throughout my life when it came to myself, drugs and alcohol. I grew up in the boring, average town of LaGrange, Georgia. I never really felt like I fit in or belonged. I suppose I always used drinking and smoking pot to fit in but also because it made me care less about my surroundings and what other people thought of me. It made me feel comfortable in my own skin- something I had a hard time doing sober. You can imagine what life was like living in a town where the popular hang-out spots are the high school parking lot and Wal-mart. I drank and smoked pot heavily because there really was nothing better to do. That was just the beginning.I graduated high school and the vicious cycle would come into full motion over the years.
I went to three
different colleges and dropped out all three times because I didn’t care. I
didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life coming out of high school, I just
wanted to live the college party life that movies and television glorify. I was
more intelligent than I gave myself credit for, I just simply didn’t care.
Partying was my major. Moving out of my home state and dropping out of school
the third time would lead me to two things I swore I would never do- meth and
heroin. During this time I felt like I was living in an alternate universe
where it was anything goes. I found myself surrounded by shady people I called
friends. They weren’t really friends, just manipulative snakes like me. We
would all find ways to try and take advantage of one another to get what we
wanted- our next high. I generally had the upper hand because I was one of the
few who actually had a car. My family was worried about me because they could
tell I wasn’t the same. I was away from home a lot and frequently bringing
people they didn’t really know over to the house. I had food, shelter, clothes,
everything I needed and yet I acted as if I didn’t have parents or family. I
was way too caught up in my own world that was addiction. A trip to jail
brought me back down to reality but it still wouldn’t keep me sober. The cycle
was only broken for a brief period.
I somehow managed to find myself back in Georgia but this time, in an even smaller town in the middle of nowhere. My drug addiction was kicked but instead I turned to heavy drinking. I certainly didn’t belong in a place like this but I was given another chance to start over. I had a simple life but in an environment I really had no business being in. I didn’t try to fit in, I just still had a big ego knowing I escaped my previous life alive. It didn’t help I was dating the most beautiful girl in town either. I played the bad boy role. My drinking combined with other outside factors would create problems that I would later regret creating. Eventually I found my way down to a beautiful tourist town in Florida. It was yet another fresh start and a new chapter. I got a good job, had a good girl and the future was looking bright. I thought I was a king, on top of the world. I suppose the money I was making was getting to my head and I started feeling and living like one. I got way too complacent and the vicious cycle would soon re-emerge. I started drinking and using without a care. It played a huge part into what would be the biggest heartbreak but also the biggest turning point that put me on the path to sobriety and recovery.
Broken physically, mentally, and emotionally I left Florida. I felt lost, confused, hopeless, angry, guilty, resentful, regretful and every other emotion you could possibly think of. I had everything I could possibly want but I guess my selfish addict and alcoholic brain wanted more. In a flash, I found myself at rock bottom, unsure if i’d ever climb way out this time. I felt like the whole universe was against me. I had been away from my own family for almost 3 years now so I felt like I didn’t even know them anymore. They knew I was going through the toughest time of my life but I didn’t want their help or support. I thought I was alone in what would be my last stand against my drinking and drug use. My parents brought up the idea of sending me to a detox and treatment center for an extended period. I had nothing left to lose at this point. I felt like I had already lost everything else to this disease, including my sanity. I went into treatment for the sake of my family and the few friends I had left, not so much myself. I needed an escape from the real world in what would be a final desperate attempt to change my ways and turn my life around. Going through treatment and into recovery allowed me to reinvent myself and rebuild my life. I wasn’t rebuilding though, I was reloading. I had an amazing network of support throughout treatment and after, along with the tools and ammunition I needed once I stepped back out into the real world.
Everything really does happen for a reason. Life has a strange and mysterious way of working itself out. The vicious cycle has been broken. My curse of addiction and alcoholism has been lifted for good. Slowly but surely I will climb my way back to the top without looking down. I will climb my way back to the top...sober.